Halo Revisited and Shot At
by Spectra16
Summary: A recap of the Halo game. It sucks. Don't read it unless you wanna chew on some distasteful literature crap. And no, hackers didn't attack this summary. I'm writing it myself. Cuz I are hooked on fonix. And I suck at writing.


Halo (Revisited and Shot At)

By Spectra16

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo. So what? Halo is in good hands.

A/N: This is a story of the first Halo game . . . except it's remixed by me. Don't die laughing. I don't wanna get sued.

Chapter One: Truth and That Big Long Wort Wort (Reconcililitation. . . .)

"OMG! Look at that thing!" Captain Keyes pointed outside of the Pillar of Autumn's main window. The main pilot next to him sighed heavily.

"Hey, it seems like the perfect fit for a belt for you, Cap'em Keyes!" The man joked. Other pilots laughed. Keyes slapped the back of his head.

"Shut up, foo!"

Another pilot from behind Keyes made a "Your mom is so fat" joke, but . . . not quite.

"Haha, Cap'em Keyes is soooo fat, he used that big ring thing as a hoola hoop!" He joked. More snickers were heard. Captain Keyes turned around, looking as if he were to pop a blood vessel.

"Cortana! What the hell is that thing!" Captain Keyes yelled, ignoring the men now. Cortana was in the ship's computer, and appeared as a little blue image.

"Like they said, it's a belt for you!" Cortana held her side and laughed.

"GODDAMN IT! I AM NOT FAT! I SWEAR I WENT TO BALLY TOTAL FITNESS JUST LAST WEEK!" Captain Keyes yelled, enraged.

"Maybe you should try Atkins!" Someone from the background yelled. The rest of the men howled. Some were on the floor, rolling around in stitches. Keyes rubbed his forehead.

"Seriously, Cortana, what is it?" Keyes asked, taking deep breaths.

"It seems like some sort of man made structure, and it has life forms on it," Cortana got serious, but then got silly again. "Maybe you should ask the creator of the structure to build a toilet for your fat ass!"

"Shut up Cortana!" Keyes kicked the interior of the ship.

"Yeah, that's gonna hurt in the morning," Cortana said with sarcasm.

"Well, what kinda life forms are on it?" Keyes asked.

"ALIENS DUMBASS!" Someone yelled. And then another pilot was busy pushing buttons.

"Hey, would you look at that! We're being invaded! Aliens are busting through our ship! Can I go home, Cap'em Keyes?" The man asked calmly. Keyes ran over to his area he was controlling.

"OMG! Someone wake up the big robot dude!" Keyes called out.

"Yes ma'am!" A man went to get Master Chief out of his freezer cell. Cortana was busy filing her nails.

"We're going to have to evacuate!" Keyes yelled to everyone, with his arms behind his back.

"Why?" Cortana asked.

"BECAUSE IT IS NECESSARY!" Keyes shouted.

"Why not just fight the aliens off?" Cortana asked. Keyes made a very angry face.

"Because this makes it more dramatic!" Keyes sighed.

"Wake-y, wake-y, Master Chief-y!" A random Marine said, opening his cell. "Can you hear me now?"

"Yeah, you have a really annoying high pitch girlie voice!" Master Chief said, immediately looking around for a gun.

"Okay, Phil! He can hear me and see me! Let's put his shield on-line and see if he can still move!" The man called to someone that was standing right next to Master Chief.

"I can move! Duh! I'm a friggin' robot!" Master Chief yelled.

"So? You might've forgotten!"

"Sure. . . a super human weapon will forget how to walk," Master Chief said sarcastically, looking into the camera.

"Hello again big, scary, robot dude," Keyes said quietly.

"Hey, Master Chief. Long time, no see," Cortana said full of sultry in her voice.

"Is this foreshadowing a prologue after all the sequels are finished?" Master Chief asked. Everyone fell dead silent. After a few seconds of confusion, they all went back to what they were doing.

"The Covenant Armada is invading this ship. Your mission, should you choose to except it, is to land on that giant hoola hoop thingie, and kill everything there. We don't really know why yet, but this mission is important to the survival of humans!" Cortana said. Master Chief scratched his helmet.

"Sure," Master Chief said, kind of confused. Keyes pulled a disk out of the computer and gave it to Master Chief.

"I want you to take Cortana with you, so that she will stay safe," Keyes said. Master Chief took the disk.

"But she's . . . a friggin' AI. It's not like she'll die or anything!" Master Chief objected.

"Oh for Pete's sake! Just go run around on the ship for a little while and kill things! Leave!" Keyes yelled at him. Master Chief nodded, and turned around slowly, but then darted off and skipped a little as he went.

"Let's go find one of those coolio pod things and get on that hoola thing!" Cortana told Master Chief.

"I think the proper name for it is Halo," Master Chief snuck around past Marines, looking for an assault rifle.

"Why is it called Halo?" Cortana asked.

"BECAUSE THAT'S THE NAME OF THIS FRIGGIN' GAME!" Master Chief shouted. Marines around him and Covenant stopped fighting and looked at Master Chief, whom they thought was talking to himself. After a few seconds of confusion, they went back to fighting.

"Right. Well, Halo is so basic. We should rename it to . . . Hoola-hoop of doom! Or . . nuva ring! Or Halo World! Like Disney World!" Cortana smiled widely. Master Chief rose an eye brow to that. He picked up a crappy plasma pistol and shot himself.

"Stupid damn shield," Master Chief said and kept running to find an escape pod.

"We are so lost!" Master Chief cried behind a large purple case, hiding from Covenant.

"Get up and act like a man!" Cortana yelled.

"NO!" Master Chief yelled defiantly.

"Wort, wort!" An elite wondered who was talking to themself. But he kept patrolling and kicking grunts.

"I hate my life!" Cortana yelled. Master Chief got up and ran for the pod, bumping into a guy, and throwing him into the pod.

"Wow! I felt like I didn't even move!" Master Chief exclaimed, wondering how powerful he was.

"You didn't. I overrode your system so that I could move you," Cortana said unenthusiastically.

"Oh," Master Chief said dumbly, and then they were on their way to Halo World.

"AAAAAH! WE'RE GONNA CRASH AND DIE!" The pilot screamed. Cortana and Master Chief blanched.

"This sucks. I wanna go home," A random Marine said.

CRASH!

"Chief? Are you okay?" Cortana asked.

"I'm a super human bio weapon! Of course I'm okay! What are you, stupid?" Master Chief picked up a health pack and some frag grenades. Cortana squeaked.

"I sense a Covenant ship coming!" Cortana cowered.

"Cortana, are you psychic? I don't see a damn thing!" Chief looked around on the Halo World. Cortana pouted.

"There isn't a ferris wheel hear. I wanna leave right now!" Cortana complained. Just then, a large purple ship came out of nowhere and started shooting at Master Chief. He went back into the ship, screaming.

"I don't like shooting!" Master Chief screamed like a little girl.

"Maybe we should get on one of those purple ships when the Covenant aren't looking and MASSACRE EVERYTHING!" Cortana laughed evilly. Master Chief shook his head.

"No. We can't board the Covenant ships until Halo 2 comes out," Master Chief said blatantly. There was a long silence between the two, until an elite and a few grunts raided the ship. Master Chief started shooting them all. Once he killed the elite, the grunts ran away.

"OMG! He killed an elite! Run for your lives!" One grunt said in a super high helium-ated voice.

"Yes! Run! MUHAHAHA!" Cortana laughed evilly. Only Master Chief could hear her though.

"Hey Cortana?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't do that ever again."

"Okay."

Master Chief, after killing every Covenant that opposed him, stubbled upon a fortress, where a few other Marines were. Covenant troops kept coming, and the Marines were having trouble keeping the aliens down.

"How much more of this fighting can we endure?" Master Chief ran up to a shielded Jackal and pistol whipped it. Cortana sat back and enjoyed some iced tea.

"Who cares?" She asked.

"I do! This is my butt on the line!" Master Chief shot some grunts down with a pistol.

"Hey, if you survived a pod crash from a trillion feet up, I'd think you could survive a few grunties," Cortana said. Master Chief sighed.

"Cortana! Come in Cortana!" One of the main commanders called in.

"I'm here. We landed safely. We can't say the same for the rest of the crew though," Cortana reported.

"There are more survivors on the Halo. Can you reach them?"

"Sure, why not?" Cortana said happily. Master Chief rubbed his forehead.

"I can't believe you got me into this, Cortana!" Master Chief yelled, driving a warthog around, looking for random survivors.

"I didn't get you into this! Cap'em Keyes did!" Cortana defended herself.

"Why does everyone call him Cap'em?" Master Chief asked. Cortana shook her head.

"Long story. Having to do with caps . . . and 'em," Cortana snickered inside her mind. Master Chief rose an eyebrow to that.

After saving all the survivors he could find, Master Chief sat back in a lawn chair, drinking lemonade.

"Another days work is done,"Master Chief said contently.

"Not quite. It says here in your memo that we have to board a Covenant ship and kill whatever is inside of it, for some weird reason," Cortana said. (Master Chief: -.-')

"Great Gohan from Dragon Ball Z! Why do I have to be the one to do all this crap? Whatever happened to Batman and the Power Rangers!" Master Chief shouted.

"Hmmm . . . they got unpopular with small children. The world needs a new hero," Cortana thought about this further.

"Dammit." 


End file.
